Often at the completion of some writing, I have thought to myself, “This one is the best”. But I have added these beginning words after I have written all that follows.
This writing may not be the best for all men, but it is the most sincere gathering of words I have ever gathered together in one place. With the greatest sincerity that any man can write, I have written.
All the evil and boastful words I hear others speak in regard to their ex husband or ex wife. You will not find those here! Instead I will expose self-loathing.
“Here I will expose,
For all the world to see,
The end result
Of our stupidity.”
What follows is the picture of a Christian who knows he has done wrong, and knows he has no means to make it right. This is not the picture of hatred that I hear so many paint; of a righteous choice to inflict pain, or gain release, called “divorce”.
This is my testimony of joining with the mindset of God. I testify that now I agree with him in all his Holy judgments concerning divorce. For he spoke his final word in regard to this murderous actions of men, “I hate divorce”. Now I testify, I know why.
My sins are paid for by the inexpressible strength of my Lord Jesus. And for that, there is peace within me. Then what are these tears this morning?
They are tears for the sake of others. They are not tears for the sake of the lost. They are not tears for the sake of what men do to one another. They are tears of realization for what I have done to so many.
As the dawn breaks and the Sun comes up, old age has slipped upon me. The righteous man smiles with his family all about him. But my family is called regret.
I will lay in my bed and die, perhaps with the company of one or two. But I am given to take note of one who will die without her husband. The joy of marriage ripped from her by the selfish sins of this man.
The tender hands of care will be absent, at the excruciating moment of her completion. The sight rips my heart in two!
Still I urge this enemy of mine, come and shove the dagger deep. Let the remembrance of my sins penetrate to the very marrow of my bones! Let my selfish heart, that was once like granite, feel the pain of my senseless stupid choices.
When my heart was cold and dead I did as I pleased. But now I have sobriety of soul, and a heart of flesh. With this, awareness dawns like the blazing heat of a Summer Sun on a man who has not slept well. In a vast arid desert, he wakes alone! And but for my Holy Lord of compassion, I could not bear this eternal pain.
I write this as a testimony. For one, that understanding has come, and with it inexpressible surprise of horror, sadness, and pain. And another, that those who live their lives with selfish abandon, can expect a visitation from regret; that relentless monster of remembrance.
I testify that divorce is a hideous and unholy choice. It is Murder of the vilest kind! While it may have appeared palatable at the time, the time will come when bitterness will cleave your tongue to the roof of your mouth. You will despise yourself like you have never despised a man before.
Expectations of joy were dashed to pieces. Hopes and dreams of childhood find no place of welcome. Shame and despair will take their place. And without the mercy of God, hopelessness will be the banner of all your future days.
Does this sound like the foolish and simplistic picture the world paints of divorce? Does this have any resemblance to the hope of satisfaction that the court of Man does promise?
This is not an exposé of some macabre selfish ambition; that I will display my horror as if for the sake of entertainment. No, this is to show the end of what God plainly says he abhors.
It is an apology with tears and sincerity. It is an expression of the hope that is in Christ, even for a man such as I! But it is a sincere warning for those who think divorce is some pleasant place to live. The fruit at first is sweet, but it is poison indelible for your soul.
To the sweet mother of my children, who did no wrong, I am deeply sorry. I wrote this here so that I would not dig up old pain by bringing this to your door.
Let this be a place where a gift is given. Let some poor wayward soul come and understand what I have written. Let his selfish longing for divorce be stymied by this confession of pain. Then the turmoil and trouble, between her and I, has found some fruit of hope. As if a man stands and warns the travelers, “A lion waits at the edge of the woods ahead”. Indeed, let someone take heed lest his children live as orphans and his wife shed tears that did not need to fall.
Amen, amen, amen!
By His Grace