“What makes you happy what do you want to do?” I have no idea how many hundreds of times that’s been asked of me.
I’ve tried a few times to answer with what’s true. But that’s not the expected reply. I assume the questioner thinks I am either arrogant, evasive, a complete social misfit, or just playing stupid.
I. want. one. thing!
I want to stop being in trouble!
I say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Or I don’t speak up when I should.
I’m too overbearing, they say. I’m too much of a pushover, leaving far too much on the table.
I leave my pen in my pocket when I do her laundry. So I get in trouble when I try to do something right.
I am completely satisfied to eat a cold can of beans. So why do people keep asking me what I want for dinner?
No, I don’t want to go out dancing. Dancing requires a certain measure of joy. I don’t have it!
On and on the list goes. Apparently, a never-ending separation from humanity. And other than the moments of lucid desire for friendship, I’m perfectly happy to remain this way.
What makes me happy? Let me give the answer that is never understood. I want to go home.
I want to have the peace of God on me 24 /7. I want to understand his will so well that I do it without the slightest hesitation, and correctly. Something I have yet to come close to attaining.
I want to overcome sin in every respect. That would make me exceedingly happy. I want to know just what to say to everyone I meet, so that all my speech is seasoned with salt. That would make me happy.
Am I really such an anomaly? Is there anyone else out there who feels the same?
I understand why they don’t understand. I got it. Let them live as they do. They will receive no condemnation from me. May the holy Lord Jesus happily embrace them on that great and horrible day.
All the while I will be, in some measure, unhappy. I am not who I want to be. I am not where I want to be. And this world offers nothing to change my mind.
By His Grace